MLG Announces New Sponsor: Eli Lilly and Company

NEW YORK CITY, NY—During a press conference held on Tuesday evening, Major League Gaming co-owner Sundance DiGiovanni announced the company had finished negotiations with the now largest sponsor in competitive gaming history, Eli Lilly and Company Pharmaceuticals.  

In a statement released shortly after the press conference, Eli Lilly and Company expressed their excitement in joining in a growing trend, saying "We are very excited to reach out to a new and exciting demographic with this deal. We hope to support both e-sports and the gamers themselves both now and throughout their lives. We believe the overall marketing approach of Major League Gaming will lend itself well to our goals and growth."

Eli Lilly and Company, a US based pharmaceutical company, is the nation's largest producer of diabetes managing insulin as well as insulin pumps. The company aims to be the go-to source of insulin and other diabetes equipment to the, continually growing gamer demographic, "We know when gamers think of gaming, they think Dr Pepper, Doritos, and Mt Dew, we want them to think Lilly branded insulin as well, to give them that extra edge they need in and out of game."

The pharmaceutical company doesn't plan to end it there, announcing plans to release a Fata1ity branded insulin pump by years end, which communicates over Bluetooth to give live blood sugar readings via pop ups in soon to be released Xbox One.

Curse Announces New Reality Show

HUNTSVILLE, AL—Hailed by e-sports enthusiasts as "exactly what e-sports needs to be taken seriously" Curse Gaming has announced that it will determine it's upcoming League of Legends professional team rosters via a new reality show dubbed "The Hungcurse Games". Current players and potential candidate will be pitted against each other in various battles to the death to determine who will earn the right to inevitably be knocked out of LCS under the Curse banner. 

The candidates and players will be hand picked by Curse manager Steve "LiQuiD112" Arhancet who commented "synergy strive excellent mastery practice dynamic motivational synergy." Sources close to LiQuiD say he usually basis his roster changes on his prized Magic 8-Ball, but wanted to move e-sports into the more legitimate realm of reality TV.

Summoner Practically Married to Female Streamer

DAYTON, OH—Reports indicate that mere minutes after his most recent donation, summoner SilvurRider was declaring his mutual adoration with his favorite female streamer. "We just feel this really intense bond you know? Like things are clicking, I can see it in the way she smiles when she checks Paypal," said SilvurRider, adding that he was only charged $20 for moderation privileges, which he noted is normally $25. Several of those around SilvurRider seem to have grown concerned over the situation. "He used to come out to movies and stuff with us, but these days he always says he's going to stay in with his girlfriend because she is sick or tired or whatever, he doesn't even buy lunch anymore because he says she is more important," said Steve, a classmate. "I'd like to at least meet her." 

According to SilvurRider he first began watching the stream for selfish reasons, stating he wanted to practice coaching, and that this female streamer seemed to have a lot of potential. "But if she wants to pay me back sometime she could just give me a kiss," he said, his face contorting into what he clarified was a wink. SilvurRider has decided that they would have a summer wedding, citing her preference for sun-based champion Leona. 

We reached out to the female streamer for comment, however she said she did not have time, as she would be late to the movies with her boyfriend Johnathon. 

"I really should tell my mom," added SilvurRider. "She's going to be so excited."

Summoner Wishes Grandmother's Cancer Were Killing Teemo Instead

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Billy Johnston, a local 14 year old Platinum V summoner, was baffled this Saturday as his family refused to laugh at his hilarious quip that he wished his grandmothers cancer were instead slowly eating away Teemo. Billy describe himself as a bit of a class clown on internet site Reddit, citing his thousands of karma points are proof of his humor. "This would have been at least 30 or 40 upvotes," explained a confused Billy. He attempted to explain the joke by placing his Teemo hat on his grandmother, currently in critical condition as her long treated lung cancer finally turns her very body against her. "PhantomLord would understand," he pouted, before angrily storming out of the room.

EG Copes With Disappointing 49 Minute Win Over Lemondogs

COLOGNE, GERMANY—A bittersweet Sunday night for both EG Raidcall and their fans, following a brisk 49 minute victory over underdogs Lemondogs. Many analysts are wondering if the once top-tier EG squad is losing their edge, only able to squeeze out 49 minutes of tantric-like masturbatory farming. "We had another 30 to 40 minutes of farming in us," explained the team's jungler Snoopeh "but their buildings just seemed to sort of fall over out of their own will". EG has continually struggled to adapt their strategies to Season 3 of Riot's League of Legends Championship Series, leaving fan's allegiances wavering. One anonymous fan expressed his dismay, "I usually prepare and bake a large victory turkey to celebrate EG victories, but these days I'm having to start it 15 to 20 minutes before the picking phase even begins." EG will thankfully have some time to tinker with new stalling strategies, as their next match is delayed until the Major League Gaming weekend on the 29th.